After a while, the nurse calls him in to receive the injection. He nervously walks into the office and sits down where  the nurse indicated, eyes bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the bench beside him.

As the nurse prepares the needle, he tries to think of the most pleasurable things he can, to try and dull the pain he is expecting.

The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, and noticing his obvious nervously, tries to comfort him with the words, “Don’t worry, it’ll just be a small prick.”

The man jumps up, obviously upset. The nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells out, “Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?”

His wife sighs and gets him a beer.

“Quick,” he says fifteen minutes later, “get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks angry, fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer. “Hey, get me another beer. It’s going to start any minute.”

She marches out, grabs a beer, and throws it at him.

“Hey, hurry,” he says five minutes later. “Get me another beer It’s gonna start now.”

His wife is furious. “Is that all you’re going to do tonight?” she yells at him. “Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob . . .”

The man sighs. “It’s started . . . “

Thanking him for his advice, the grandson said: “What’s sex like then when you get older, granddad?”

His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and said: “Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!”

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all; and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”

The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake?”

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, “I’m sorry, who?”

The caller repeated, “Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?”

She said, “Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as ‘Pastor,’ or ‘Brother,’ but I prefer that you not refer to him as the ‘head hog at the trough’!”

To this the man replied, “Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund….”

To this the secretary quickly responded “Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!”

Reports of tampering have surfaced and, upon investigation, officials have found evidence that someone has inserted a form of deadly poison into the products which, if used, will kill instantly.

Reports are just now beginning to trickle in however, it appears that thus far the tampered with Preparation H may be responsible for the deaths of at least a dozen….assholes.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”

“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say “Open here…” What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else?”

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you’re waiting for an elevator presses the already lit “up” button – as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn’t when you pressed it the first time?

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance, their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied.

“No, not that.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No, Mom. Down underneath.”

His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”

“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing at the other end.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No. Down there.”

The father took a good look and explained, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then came the second straight guy. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”

After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain the cost was becoming burdensome. Things got contentious.

Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, “Having children is an act of God!”

“Snow and rain are acts of God, too,” a man at the back of the room said, “but most of us wear rubbers.”

At seven o’clock he walks back into the house at the end of the day only to find his wife screwing a stranger on the living room rug. He says, “What the hell are you doing????”

She says, “Getting a second opinion!”

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

Marlene, flipping her hair, replied, “Why thank you, dear!”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, but he did mind his own fucking business!”