Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”

“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say “Open here…” What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else?”

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you’re waiting for an elevator presses the already lit “up” button – as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn’t when you pressed it the first time?

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance, their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied.

“No, not that.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No, Mom. Down underneath.”

His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”

“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing at the other end.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No. Down there.”

The father took a good look and explained, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then came the second straight guy. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”

After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain the cost was becoming burdensome. Things got contentious.

Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, “Having children is an act of God!”

“Snow and rain are acts of God, too,” a man at the back of the room said, “but most of us wear rubbers.”

At seven o’clock he walks back into the house at the end of the day only to find his wife screwing a stranger on the living room rug. He says, “What the hell are you doing????”

She says, “Getting a second opinion!”

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

Marlene, flipping her hair, replied, “Why thank you, dear!”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, but he did mind his own fucking business!”

The Democratic chairman said, “I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, ‘Vote Democratic.’”

His opponent said, “I have a better scheme, and it doesn’t cost me a nickel. I don’t give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, ‘Vote Democratic.’”

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”

John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had wild sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”

Reluctantly, she replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”

Next Bill asked, “Did John give you $100?”

She thinks ‘Oh hell, he knows!’

Finally she says, “Yes, he did give me $100.”

“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”

His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

“My darling Susan,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said.”Rest. Shhh. Don’t talk.”

He was insistent. “Susan,” he said in his tired voice. “I have something I must confess to you.”

“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Susan.  “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.”

“I know,” she replied. “That’s why I poisoned you.”

The first old women told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband in the mood at night by getting totally naked lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style. The second old woman thought that was a great idea so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom. “Gladys!” he exclaimed, “For heaven’s sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!”

The husband makes a wish, leans over, and throws a quarter down the well. The wife then takes out a quarter, makes a wish, and then leans over. Unfortunately, she leans over a little too far, falls down into the well, and drowns.

The husband stands there in total shock. “Holy shit, it works!”

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But, madam, you must know that you are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”