Gagler’s Joke of the Day – Thursday

Matt’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”

“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

Wednesday Bonus

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say “Open here…” What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else?”

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you’re waiting for an elevator presses the already lit “up” button – as though he somehow has magical powers that you didn’t when you pressed it the first time?

Gagler’s Joke of the Day – Wednesday

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Gagler’s Joke of the Day – Tuesday

Here’s a classic:

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance, their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied.

“No, not that.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No, Mom. Down underneath.”

His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.”

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.

“That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”

“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing at the other end.”

“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”

“No. Down there.”

The father took a good look and explained, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”

“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”

The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”

Gagler’s Joke of the Day – Monday

Three friends — two straight guys and a gay guy — and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they’re standing before St.Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Then came the second straight guy. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”

Gagler’s Joke of the Day – Sunday

A recently married minister went to his congregation, informed them of his wife’s pregnancy and asked for a raise that would allow him a reasonable salary. After deliberation it was agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise.

After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain the cost was becoming burdensome. Things got contentious.

Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, “Having children is an act of God!”

“Snow and rain are acts of God, too,” a man at the back of the room said, “but most of us wear rubbers.”

Bonus Joke

A doctor is walking out the door to go to his office. He says to his wife, “You’re a rotten mother, a crummy wife, and a lousy lay.”

At seven o’clock he walks back into the house at the end of the day only to find his wife screwing a stranger on the living room rug. He says, “What the hell are you doing????”

She says, “Getting a second opinion!”

Gagler’s Joke of the Day – Saturday

Bob was in his usual place in the morning – sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

Marlene, flipping her hair, replied, “Why thank you, dear!”

Gagler’s Joke of the Day – Friday

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, but he did mind his own fucking business!”

Bonus Joke

Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together.

The Democratic chairman said, “I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, ‘Vote Democratic.’”

His opponent said, “I have a better scheme, and it doesn’t cost me a nickel. I don’t give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, ‘Vote Democratic.’”